The Heavy Cost of People Pleasing: Understanding the Roots and Finding Your Way Back to Yourself
Many people who reach out to me for therapy share a common theme: they’ve spent much of their lives prioritizing others over themselves. Over time, and often after years of unfulfilling or painful relationships, they come to realize that their habit of people pleasing has left them feeling resentful, burnt out, and disconnected from themselves.
People pleasing isn’t simply about being too kind or considerate. It’s often a deeply rooted pattern tied to how we learned to be loved, accepted, and safe.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing can develop in many different ways. Below are some of the most common patterns I see in therapy.
1. Conditional Love and Specifically Oriented Praise
One of the most common origins of people pleasing is the belief that love and attention must be earned - usually by being helpful, agreeable, or putting others first.
As children, we may have received praise only when we were “good,” obedient, or useful. For example, being called “Mommy’s little helper” or “such a good girl” for taking care of others or meeting adult expectations.
While there's nothing wrong with encouraging kindness, overemphasizing these traits can send the message that a child’s worth depends on how much they give, rather than simply who they are.
2. Attachment Trauma and Fear of Rejection
People pleasing can also be a protective strategy. Some clients grew up in environments where expressing their real thoughts, needs, or emotions led to criticism, disappointment, or even threats of abandonment.
In these cases, or when people have experienced attachment trauma, people pleasing becomes a way to avoid conflict, preserve attachment, or stay emotionally safe, even if it means suppressing who they really are.
3. Cultural, Familial, or Religious Expectations
In many cultures and communities, messages about respecting elders, obeying authority, and prioritizing group harmony are deeply ingrained.
For example, many of my clients grew up with strong values around filial piety or deference to teachers, coaches, and religious leaders. These messages can be well-intended, but they can also teach children to disregard their own inner voice in favor of external approval.
Women, in particular, are often socialized to nurture others before themselves. Being praised for “putting others first” can sound admirable, but it can also reinforce the belief that their needs and boundaries don’t matter.
The Emotional Toll of People Pleasing
People pleasing often comes with a heavy emotional and relational cost. Some of the most common consequences include:
Burnout from always taking care of others and never having space to rest or reflect.
Inauthentic relationships, where others never get to know the real you - and you may lose sight of who that is, too.
Unrealized potential, because when you’re busy meeting everyone else’s expectations, you’re not free to discover what you want, value, or are capable of.
Healing People Pleasing Patterns
One of the first steps in healing is learning to bring your centre back to yourself.
Many people are afraid that if they stop people pleasing, they’ll lose important relationships. And while that fear is understandable, it’s worth asking:
What is the cost of continuing to people please?
Can a relationship that only works when you suppress yourself truly be healthy or sustainable?
In therapy, we explore how to move toward more reciprocal, respectful relationships, where your needs and boundaries matter just as much as the other person’s.
Sometimes, clients discover that certain relationships can’t tolerate this shift. In those cases, the work becomes about grieving, setting boundaries, and making space for more aligned connections.
I believe that people who love you should want you to be well. Even in groups and cultures that emphasize community, sacrifice, or family harmony, there must still be room for the individual’s well-being and voice.
Final Thoughts
People pleasing often begins as a way to feel safe or valued - but over time, it can leave you feeling unseen, depleted, and disconnected from yourself. Change is possible. With support, you can learn to set boundaries, trust your inner voice, and build relationships where you are valued for who you truly are.
If you’re ready to explore life beyond people pleasing, therapy can help.
Book a consultation to start creating a life where your needs matter too.
